When you’ve dealt with mental health issues like I have, a nice getaway from the stresses of life is always nice. It could be a few days to the coast or a week in your hometown, catching up with friends, family, and the town you grew up in. Before I was a swim instructor at COTS, it was a very challenging time with being unemployed, dropped out a few weeks prior, and the relationship being on the rocks on both ends. Not going to lie, spending time with my family and de-stressing a bit is nice. Once I got home, I got, in a way, better and came home with a nice and fresh cut. Since it was a nice retreat, I’ve always thought it would be a great idea to one day do a mental retreat again. That retreat came again at the beginning of August, and sadly that became my first summer trip out of town.

Rough time and unexpected plan

You’re probably wondering, “Nicole, why haven’t you been traveling much this summer when you know that your parents can easily pick you up and take you somewhere or meet them somewhere and go?” The real truth is trying to get time off work is a lot more complicated than you’d think. I have to fill out a time off sheet, find coverage, and get signatures 2 WEEKS before the trip. Now if we’d try and plan a trip that is next week, it’s a no-go. And also, living in the middle of the city where having a car is unnecessary and being broke makes it impossible to take a road trip to Seaside or wherever is nearby.

And speaking of being broke, these days I have been like Mt St Helens the last couple weeks; have been boiling up with all the negativity and eventually blowing up causing mass destruction. But unlike the infamous volcano going in a lateral blast, I basically blew up knowing that I’m the one ruining my relationship with my boyfriend with my selfish behavior, as well as being feeling like I’ve been too harsh on my students at work, especially on Saturday’s shift. Along with my paycheck from last month making me barely afloat after a good couple months of being stable. So in other words, things have not been going really well for me lately and my depression and anxiety blew up for the first time in a few months.

On Saturday while talking with my mom, she suggests she’d come up. Well, this is not the first time she asks. Ever since I moved from the high desert up, every time something is wrong with me, mom feels that she needs to come up. I appreciate her wanting to do that because she cares and I’m her only one, but it’s not usually necessary. But in this situation, she insists that I meet her in Salem the next afternoon by train, then we drive, in her new swanky red car, to Willamette Valley Vineyards for lunch, then spend the night in Salem. Getting out of town, even though I’ve done zero traveling this summer, sounds like a great idea, despite the fact that it’s last minute. I bought a $27 business ticket on Amtrak and let the adventure begin…

Departure

Woke up at quarter to 9, knowing that my train leaves at 11:10, I had to get going. After getting dressed, covering up the fresh cuts from the night before and hickeys from Thursday night (thanks B 😑), and packed everything, I had to take care of some desperate things. One of the many downsides of having severe depression is not doing simple household tasks like cleaning the kitchen or the litter box. Since the kitchen sink stinks and the litter box is really full, I had to take care of that ASAP. Since I only brought my overnight bag, I can walk to the max station 13 minutes away on the Portland State campus instead of taking the streetcar to the max station on campus. Since I haven’t been inside Union Station since the Empire trip, there has been some changes in regard to COVID protocols. Masks are optional, I brought my mask just in case, and there’s no COVID pre-check 24 hours prior. It’s nice to see that the world is easing up on the COVID requirements after almost 2 1/2 years. I wasn’t in the lounge for long until we board, and as always Amtrak was delayed for at least a few minutes before we were rolling. Unlike air travel, you get to see some beautiful views. Since I was traveling in early August, the trees are still green, the beautiful green that we’d rarely get in the high desert. And with the temps being in the low 90s Fahrenheit, people are out and about, enjoying the sun and the water.

Arrival and day in Salem

Even though we were delayed, we got to the station less than 5 minutes late. Mom picked me up in her brand new Toyota hybrid which feels more like a rental car than a personal car. Usually, we’d get older cars without all the cool gadgets, but with the cool gadgets in the car makes it feel a little more strange. The first place we went to is Willamette Valley Vineyards. The property is always breathtaking with views that stretch for miles of hills and greenery. I couldn’t help but think of Brennan’s parents and how much they’d enjoy that property and the wine as well as the fancy lunch options. Speaking of lunch, mom get the chop salad that has a strong basil flavor to it. Since I wasn’t hungry, I just had the cheese plate with some delicious cheeses like one of my favorites, brie, as well as wine infused grapes, an apricot puree spread, and herb tossed nuts.

After some lunch and wine tasting, we went to the carousel by the waterfront. It’s the one place I’ve always wanted to go to every time we pass Salem to the coast, along with the Salem station, and get to go to. So since we have the whole day, it’s like “why not”. So we went there! One of the animals on the carousel is the Oregon duck. Mom is probably the most well-known duck fan next to my best friend Emily and my boyfriend Brennan. And I saddled up in a horse in front.

As we were enjoying our ride, we both were thinking of wouldn’t it be fun if our animals would hop off those poles and ride around the waterfront like in Mary Poppins. Once we were done with the ride, we shared a snow-cone and sit in the park by the waterfront.

As we enjoy the sunshine, we talked about a lot of stuff from relationships and work to backyard animals and mice infestations. After what seem like a short amount of time, we left to find a hotel to stay in for the night, which we did at a hotel we stayed at before years ago. Once we checked in, I took a wee nap while mom goes in for her workout.

Once we were done with those, we went out for dinner to McGrath’s. We used to have a McGrath’s in Bend but it closed down unfortunately. While we were having dinner, we finally dug deep on what’s wrong with me. Turns out it’s a combo of not being on top of my meds due to my crazy schedule and me having way too high expectations of how the relationship should go in regards to the timeline I want us to follow. But this is a good reminder that I can’t be in control of everything, only God has a plan for us both, and I should be proud of how far I’ve come since last spring.

After a quite filling dinner of chowder and a salad, we went back to the room, get to show mom an episode of how and why Mt St Helens erupted the way that she [Mt. St Helens] did. She was a high school senior when it happened and only knew some details about it but not every detail. So it’s nice to show that to her. After when we were done with that, we went down to the pool for a night dip. There’s this young girl who wanted to play volleyball and luckily I knew how to play thanks to my best friend and really enjoyed it. After a couple hours of being on my phone, I went to bed while mom has been asleep since around 10 pm.

Heading home

Mom woke me up with a simple “meow, meow”, which was our codeword meaning “I’m hungry”. We used it a lot when I was in my late teens to “earliest” twenties. Before we went across the street for breakfast at Denny’s, we left a voicemail for my best friend of 17 years, whose birthday was on that day 😊. Mom had a standard American breakfast which consists of eggs, English muffins, hash browns, and sausage. I had almost the same but I had a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. After breakfast, mom had to leave early so she can go to that chiropractor appointment, luckily she paid ahead of “our” checkout time so I don’t have to pay $200+ for one night. After mom left, I chilled out in our room, worked on this blog, blew my nose constantly (remind me to not go for hotel rooms anymore due to the insensitive chemicals in cleaning products 🤧).

Once I checked out, I took a short Lyft to the Salem station for a bus ride home. Learning from the last couple times I took Coast Starlight home, I booked a bus home so I don’t have to arrive home at around 8:15pm when I should’ve been home at around 4 or 5pm. In case you’re wondering, yes, we were held up by a broken freight train for 4 FREAKING HOURS the last time I took the train home from Salem and that was the final straw, and that’s not even counting the hour and a half delay to arrive at the station! Luckily, the bus arrived at the station on time, and got us there in Portland on time too so it was nice. Reminder: take the train down one way, bus up the other way. It was nice to get away for a little while but I wished it was longer.

Aftermath

Luckily, I found a way to get back on my meds with different reminders on when to take them and they have been quite helpful. The relationship took longer unfortunately. We almost ended it almost a week later and I almost ended my life too. But God told me in a very strong voice when I asked him why he didn’t take me, “no, it is not your time.” That same day, I’ve decided to go back to college under a Bachelor of Arts in Arts and Letters with a film minor, in which I could graduate in a short 2 terms if I’d do it part time. Once I told Brennan I’ll go back, things got better for us too.

Remember that when life is tough and it feels like you have no purpose in life, God has a plan for you. A plan He has planned out since before you existed.

“I know the plans I have for you” say the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11