TRIGGER WARNING!!!

The things that will be described contains self harm & suicide. If those bother you, you can skip or not read altogether.

For any Christian, they all have a testimony; a story of how Jesus saved them, even His own disciples have a story. With today marking the day that I gave my life to Him two years ago, I figured I’d give my testimony to y’all.

Growing up in a conservative town where everyone I knew, family, friends, neighbors, are Christians, I was the odd ball out. I was the opposite of “walk by faith, not my sight.” I always thought if I could see God, see Jesus with my two eyes, then I’ll believe. It was really hard on my mother who grew up either Methodist or Lutheran. Despite me being not religious, I knew about the things in the Bible without reading it. I had a Noah’s ark that I cherished, I knew about the birth and death of Christ, Noah’s ark, and Esther’s tale, I attended Vacation Bible School during the summer with my neighbors first as a camper and then as a camp counselor. I did all that without believing.

Fast forward to 2021, I grew up, went through a traumatic relationship that has ended and left me vengeful, hurt, and broken. I met a young man and we hit it off. It didn’t take long until we got together as boyfriend/girlfriend. But that bliss didn’t last long. Shortly after we got together, my depression started getting bad. Week by week, I got worse and worse and worse. I started cutting again after a year, contemplating on suicide and going down that hole. It got so bad that the guy I was with had to leave because it was too much.

After he left me, I got so much worse. I have attempted a handful of times that spring, cut every Friday night, drink a little more than normal, even though I rarely drink. I could’ve not make it out alive because of all these things. But luckily, I never got addicted to drugs or alcohol or drop out the rest of the spring term. By the summer, I finally got a therapist, and when that wasn’t enough, I found a psychiatrist that prescribed me the medications to keep me at bay.

By fall of 2021, I was doing good, my mental health has stabilized, I was back on campus for school, and I was in better spirits…but not quite. Even though I was doing good on the outside, on the inside, I was bound to shatter. I was afraid of breaking downing the middle of class, drawing the wrong kind of attention. So all I could do was hold everything together, even though I was fragile on the inside. That is until I met a young woman by the name of Jenna through a giveaway I partake in. Jenna was apart of the ministry group at my alma matter and it was her that initiated us to meet up for coffee. So we did. We got to know each other, I told her my story, similar to how I described it here. When she asked about my religion, if I was I Christian, I answered in an honest and uncomfortable way saying I’m not. The she brought up a piece of scripture:

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in^[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 6:23 NIV

And she gave me a visualizer: a bridge, me on one side, Jesus on the other and a door in the middle. In order to go through that door is salvation.

After that meeting, I got home and thought “y’know, I didn’t have the best relationship with God, I should start now.” I started praying, not knowing how to pray but did it in a way that sounds right. Then, I started writing Biblical verses in my journal, and both were challenging. In between that, I got involved in the ministry group and partake in the activities that provide.The biggest turn of events that would change everything was at my very first Christian retreat.

We went to the Auburn Christian Conference and Retreat the first weekend of November and joined other college ministries for an annual retreat. With this being my first retreat, I had no expectations but I had no idea what holds for me during that weekend. The first night, we were doing worship and I was telling myself “nah, I’m not going to sing, I don’t want to mess it up.” And then I feel this chill overtake my body and then I started singing. That’s when I realized that was the Holy Spirit. The next night, while I was walking from my cabin to the chapel for the night service, I was talking to God. At some point, I was stopped in my tracks by this powerful presence of God telling me “You can’t have one foot in the past and the other in the present.” It was during that trip, a lightbulb switched. It’s not sight to believe, you have to feel it.

When I returned from the trip, I was pumped and ecstatic of what I experienced to where I want to go to church and partake in all these things. That’s when I attended my primary church, Garden church, and developed a bond with the people there. And during that time, I was curious as if I was a born again. I asked family and friends if they think I am a born again. It wasn’t until I called up my uncle, who’s a born again himself that changed everything. One phonemail, one prayer, before my night class, in my studio apartment, I became a born again. And things got better.

With the strength that God gave me, I reconnected with the one that got away. Day by day, things between us got better and better and better and we got back together during Thanksgiving break. Two months later, I was baptized in front of family, friends, and loved ones in a small ceremony in SE Gresham.

Now the question is has life has a christian gotten better or is it perfect? I can tell you that no, it’s not perfect. I’ve experienced insecurity of faith the majority of this year to where life didn’t treat me well, and life still beats me. But the good thing is, I developed a family who cares about me and loves me, my partner, despite us being in different denominations, has supported my faith journey. And honestly, with the people I have, I wouldn’t have it any other way.